The poor! Disgusting, really. When I drive by them and my chauffeur raises an eyebrow in the rearview mirror, I’ve occasionally rolled down the window a quarter inch and allowed a nickel to drop outside, but usually I deploy the motorized privacy curtains and go back to swimming around in my ducat-filled onboard swimming pool like Scrooge McDuck. Times are tough, however, even for the revoltingly successful like myself. That’s why I’d like to downsize a bit, to something more economical. We all have to tighten belts – it’s not like my stonking pile of bills is going to multiply on its own, now is it?
Here’s my plan – ethanol! Yes, I’ll convert this miserly, fuel-sipping Arnage to run on alcohol. And the brilliant part is we’ll get that alcohol by fermenting the disadvantaged! Finally, they’ll be useful to
And for the ridiculously low entry price of $155,285.31, how could I afford not to? Give me a buy-it-now button and I’ll have a servant click on it. Then that servant will go into the fermenter, and subsequently into my newest Bentley (one of only 12!). After all, wouldn’t want him slipping on the job and siphoning off the hard-earned excessive riches of the job creators through such socialist frivolities as the Americans with Disabilities Act, now would we? Who founded this country anyhow … Leon Trotsky? As a “thanks for everything, comrade!” parting gesture, he got an egalitarian icepick in the skull. For my efforts, I’ve accumulated enough wealth to allow 15,650 Paraguayan peasants to improve the lives of their children through proper education, or just enough to afford the fourth home I’ve been eying in the Hamptons.
What I’m really trying to say here is that I really really really deserve this as a small token of all I’ve done for this fine nation of ours. And things are about to get a lot better when I open up my new biofuel refinery, Soylent Industries, which will provide jobs for the wealthy by turning the poor into hydrocarbons! “Drill, baby, drill” is so 2009 … the anthem of the future will be “kill, baby, kill!”
Ah, sometimes I crack myself up.