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Classic Captions Contest- 1999 Fiat Ulysse Edition

Welcome to another round of Redusernab Classic Captions Contest, brought to you this week by Fiat.

I’m convinced Fiat has churned out some of the most bizarre, obscure, odd, strange, (you catch my vibe) vehicles. The whip you see above, the ’99 Ulysse, I’m guessing would have made the founding brothers of Fiat all of which with tasty,  pasta-esque surnames like Scariotti, Mayneri, Damevino, and Agnelli, quite perplexed and possibly ashamed. That red van thing is our subject matter for this week’s episode of HCCC.

But first, let’s look at a few of the hilarious cocaine-filled comments from last week’s story about the 1984 Cougar LS, from Mercury. We left off on a warm, Ft. Lauderdale beach where Shepard and Shirlena had just finished wrapping up a rendezvous with their somewhat sand-free Cougar LS. Shep questionably has his hands in his trouser pockets, while gawking at what might be, a colossal sand castle. Shirlena seems caught in a daze, perhaps embarrassed that Shep didn’t opt for the silver Mercedes-Benz 500SEC coupe instead. Maybe his runnings with Pablo Escobar didn’t quite pan out like they were projected to.

 

“Much like his Cougar, Todd’s claims of having 5.0 under the hood were slightly exaggerated.”-

“Shep now realized that Shirlena had completely misunderstood his comments about loving old Cougars. It was going to be a long silent ride back to the city.”-Lokki

“Remington Steele realized at that moment that a career change was in order. He no longer wanted to drive a Cougar, he wanted to drive a Aston Martin DB5.”-

Back to the airport scene, captured above so perfectly by someone in Fiat’s cigarette-filled marketing department that goes by the name Umberto. What do you suppose, is going on here? Where’s the black, armored Audi A8 with two Ducatis flanking it, their riders wearing snakeskin leather coats with Uzis underneath? What could the blonde sitting in the second row of the minivan, be frantically typing on her bulbous laptop? Note the matching luggage just in front of the prop plane’s wing? A man, nervously checks his watch. Is this an Ocean’s 11 type heist in the making? Is Terry Benedict waiting in Geneva for his shipment of gold bricks to be delivered by his Armani-suited mob?

Tell your story below.

  • P161911

    Lady in the red “auto”: “OK, fine, I’ve got you down for a red head and two blondes next Tuesday at 4pm”

    Guy checking his watch: “Why can’t Sergio just get one mistress like everyone else? Why the hell does he need 3 cases of “props” every week? Why did I ever take this personal assistant job?”

    • Reply from the guy to the very right in the background: “Four. It’s four cases of props. Why did I ever take this personal assistant assistant job. Here you are.”

  • Jofes2

    “Yes Leonardo, it’s me, I’m back, and these kids are yours!”

  • Papa Van Twee

    She knew she was making everyone wait, but she wasn’t going to stop trying until she got a good WiFi signal and downloaded that Prince song.

  • tonyola

    “Oh damn – did little Johnny throw up on the seats again?”

  • “First they downgraded me from a Gulfstream to a PA-31, now my usual Ferrari is nowhere to be seen”
    “Hey, at least it’s still blood red and Italian”.

    • Rover 1

      Or French? Peugeot and Citroen versions available.

      If Italian is insisted on, there was always the Lancia Zeta, surely a better choice for the private aviator.

      • duurtlang

        Or fancier and still Italian. The Lancia Zeta, the fourth member of this rebadged family. I bought this ’96 Zeta as an engine donor. The alcantara seats were quite nice, as IS the 2.0t engine. The rest, well it was a 20 years old minivan.

        • Rover 1

          What did you do with the remainder?, I’d quite like one of those as a counterpoint to my Espace S1

          • duurtlang

            I sold some parts, slightly over the €450 I paid for the car, and SOLD the fluidless rest to a junkyard. So I got a free engine. It was a good buy.

  • “Christ, what an a**hole!”

  • Alff

    The first time Italy embraced American automotive trends they got this, The second time they got what Lancia is today. Find your roots, Italy.
    :

  • Lokki

    The stewardess politely rechecked the list before telling Ted that he, with his tiny little briefcase of cash, was nobody going nowhere.

  • I_Borgward

    You were met by security at the plane and informed that your desk has already been cleaned out at corporate. There will be no limo ride home tonight. Instead, it’s your soon-to-be ex and something from her divorce attorney on her laptop, in a minivan.

  • GTXcellent

    “Come on Captain, get off the Facepage. This plane should have been in the air an hour ago.”

  • onrails

    The downward spiral continued as the news of her affair going public. First, the limo disappeared, replaced by a minivan. Then the private jet turned into a twin engine propellor plane. And finally, the ultimate indignity – Her Royal Highness’s matched luggage (sob!) no longer matched.

  • outback_ute

    Just wait, the email from Sergio to let me know whether we take the product to Amsterdam or Geneva hasn’t come through yet

  • Troggy

    Fix It Again, Antonia.

  • “What do you mean our return flight is delayed for TEN YEARS? That’s outrageou… No, actually, I suppose that’s what we should have expected for coming here in this.”

  • Batshitbox

    The Fiat Ulysse Tennyson Edition
    “To Swerve, to Seek, to Strike, and not to Yield”

  • Vairship

    “It broke down AGAIN? We really have to move it, we’re in the middle of an airport and blocking those guys with the plane and they’re NOT happy!”

    “I know! I’m trying to google ‘local Fiat dealer’ and it keeps saying there’s no such thing!”

  • hwyengr

    Italian Top Gear didn’t have quite the same vigor in its Car vs Plane challenges.