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Rich Corinthian Primer: The Cordoba SPEEDSTER!

Redusernab August 3, 2011 Too Cheap to Pass Up 28 Comments

What would KHAAAAANNNNNNN drive?

Unfortunately, you can’t buy this car anymore*. Not from the safety of your seat, anyway. You’ll have to actually get close, admire its outta-sight! bodywork, its wheels that could harbor an entire Albanian refugee family, and the custom tonneau cover stolen from Batman’s skate park. You’ll have to meet its intrepid seller in Viva Las Vegas, smell the Drakkar Noir emanating from his pointy chest hairs, shield your eyes from his Montezuman gold amulet, grasp his ring-laden hands, look him in his sunglasses, and make the man an offer! That’s how we do business in America, friend! That’s how we keep the Cordoba’s memory alive!

From the looks of it, it didn’t sell (I wonder why). But for $5,800, you could be (could have been) Captain Kirk’s nemesis!

Drum up business for your meth lab with promotional vehicles!

Where do you begin with such a creation? For one, let’s look at what it has: it’s got 22″ wheels on tires that aren’t so much rubber as they are painted on with a Home Depot roller. It’s got white leather seats, which in Vegas seems to be handed out to new residents along with their change-of-address cards and Welcome Wagon baskets. It’s got a big-block 440 hooked up to a TorqueFlite somewhere. It’s got a “winshield cut 5 inches and layed back 3 inches with lexon windshield [sic].” It’s got vents behind the seats. It’s got the wafting scent of Purple Kush enveloping it in a 30-foot radius. And it’s got enough primer to choke an African elephant.

Probably not street-legal. Probably not giving a damn.

So, what does it not have? Rich Corinthian leather, a fact that has undoubtedly caused a greying septuagenarian from Chrysler Marketing: First Class to spit Ralph’s Value Brand™ High-Fiber Prune Juice all over his TV tray. There’s no radio, so you can’t hear it blasting when it drives past the middle school. There is no backseat. There are no tailights or turn signals, which will surely prove to be a hit with the local constabulary. And most importantly, of course, it doesn’t have a roof—proving that the TOP DOWN, ALL THE TIME adage isn’t so much a tattoo as it is a lifestyle, a bout of braggadocio, a deep chance of ensuing melanoma and a likely possibility that will photograph your bald spot from low-earth orbit.

And furthermore, it’s got, uh, not the approval of a Ricardo Montablán, who surely would have balked at what his beloved luxury coupe might have become: a pseudo-70s Batmobile, had Bruce Wayne violated the . But for serving as an automotive Six Degrees of Hispanic Actors, it certainly has its merits. And even though it might confirm your ex-girlfriend’s deepest suspicions at your high school reunion, I gotta say—Corinthian leather or not, those seats still look damn comfy.


* Blame my and general ineptitude. But if it gets relisted for half the price, I’M YOUR MAN.

  • Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Donk. Seriously, this car needs to be done in full Star Trek donk.

    • Damn! The Pun That Got Away!

  • Joe Dunlap

    A little off topic, but have any of the hoons out there driven any car with that kind of wheel/tire setup? I can imagine the ride quality would be, ummm, "poor", but how about handling?. With sidewalls that short, the tire slip angles must be almost non-existant. At low speeds at least, I would think these things would nibble and grab at every seam and pebble in the road. What say you all?

    • This might be enlightening. …

      • BlackIce_GTS

        I would dispute that the suspension tuning of a LeMons car has much parallel to a 'real world' custom build.
        Unless we were talking about Donks, which we are. I'm willing to believe nonparody cars are equivalently poorly sorted.

      • vwminispeedster

        God bless speedy and his wife for allowing him to partake in such madness. And he's coming to California tomorrow to race a reincarnated deathcab!!

    • salguod

      I can't imagine there's anything good about the way a car with these kind of wheels drive. They inevitably sit higher than stock, even if they don't get the full donk suspension treatment and the un-sprung weight is through the roof. I've got to believe rough ride and poor handling are par for the course.

  • With different wheels, this could work…

    Yeah, not so much.

  • Paul_y

    To me, this just screams, "great LeMons idea," even if this exactly car isn't it.

    • My brain has played with the "D-APV" speedster. Imagine just for a moment an early Trans Sport or Lumina APV with the roof and pillars hacked off. Then I'd truss up the chassis with some tube bracing, deck over the whole thing with sheetmetal and make a single offset cockpit for the driver with a wraparound flyscreen, and create a combination headrest, rollbar and cowl with a dorsal fin that looked like a Jaguar D-Type's, only longer.

      • Devin

        A friend and I once considered making a Trans Sport convertible a few years ago, though we were going to use the hoop as breadbasket roll bar. The project never got off the ground because we lacked capital, a garage, and lived a couple provinces away (whee, university). I'm still tempted whenever I see one on the road (which honestly isn't very often).

  • RichardKopf

    Ah, there's the beauty! It looks like the thing that crawled into Chekov's ear.

  • P161911

    The seats might look comfy, but they are missing one minor detail: tracks to actually hold them in place!

  • sportwagon

    There is only one way to deal with this: SOL

    [ vQh26wKS6f8 ]

  • Corimpin' ain't easy.

  • Joe Btfsplk

    Oh Ricardo… how we miss you!

  • salguod

    If you're going to remove the taillights, why leave the license plate?

    • RichardKopf

      I think the gas tank filler is behind it.

      Better question might be why it retained its reverse lights.

  • ptschett


  • facelvega

    You guys are too harsh on the proletarian esthetic. We may not be able to identify with the mission, but he definitely seems to have carried it out to the hilt here. What I want to know is where are the turn signal lights?

    • Mr_Biggles

      I'm confused at the general purpose of the thing, but if I read his explanation correctly ("tail lights removed and moved to back up lights") maybe he means that he re-wired the backup lights to act as tail/turn/brake and put in red bulbs?

  • put some chain guns on it and Jason Stratham and some bimbo and we got Deathrace 2

    • You mean 3?

      • OMG!! I didnt realize there was a direct to DVD video…thats sad really.